Prime Minister Scotty Morrison calls a press conference to explain why he had already taken off on holiday without explanation.
Thank you for your attendance today. I can assure every Australian I am not turning my back on you, or washing my hands of you, - so to speak.
As previously stated - in fact, by me - I am doing a good job and deserve my full pay package.
Also, as previously stated, this is a national effort, bringing all sectors of our society together to battle this insidious COVID-19 virus. One section of this national fabric is the great Australian trade union movement, led by the wonderful Sally McManus.
Early into our combined effort against this virus, Sally said to me:
May I take this opportunity to thank Sally for her concern. And I have taken her advice on board. Hence my week away from my desk, to recharge my batteries and exercise my legal rights as an Australian worker. I thank Sally, as well, for her sage advice in suggesting I don't choof off to Hawaii this time. No. This time I'll be staying near my beloved Cronulla Sharks. Thank you Sally.
Now, for the main reason I am so in need of a little respite.
The Liberal Party's love affair with all things to do with our magnificent, glorious, wonderful, heroic and truly inspirational military is no secret. Pretty much, if you want a Coalition government to appoint you Governor-General, you go to the top of the list if you come from a military background. Our last three appointees, Michael Jeffrey, Peter Cosgrove, David Hurley - all military men. Pity about that Bryce woman. Typical Labor: pander to the chattering class crap.
Imagine how chuffed I was when I recently had the pleasure of announcing $270 billion for our dynamic, awesome and truly fabulous defence force. $270 billion. Sounds a lot, but it's only four and a half times more than the money we didn't need to spend due to Josh's bad arithmetic.
Talk about let downs. I rang my new friend, Sally McManus, to share the good news with her and she goes and spoils everything by asking if I've factored in all health and safety regulations for our people to engage with the new equipment.
I explained health and safety in the military is a different kettle of fish. She suggested I speak with Brendan Murphy and Paul Kelly (the professor, not the musician) to factor in the new requirements needed due to COVID-19.
Talk about a major stuff-up! Notice I haven't even said "how good" even once so far? Because, in all honesty, after speaking with Brendan and Paul, I can't.
I was so looking forward to checking out our entire tank fleet and the new Collins-class submarines when they are finally ready. The medicos pointed out there is no guarantee of a vaccine even by 2034. What this means is quite horrendous.
We are legally bound by law to meet all social distancing requirements to ensure the health and safety of our military people. Sally, Brendan and Paul all insist I must.
A typical Collins-class submarine will be manned by up to 60 personnel. That means an area of 240 square metres to start with. Then we have to factor in all the equipment in a submarine. Believe me, the list is staggering. The sleeping quarters issue alone is a complete nightmare. The days of sharing a single bed in shifts, three shifts a day, are cactus. This means three times the number of beds - and not in bunk formation.
See my point?! Submarines are meant to be sleek, smooth and slippery. To meet COVID-19 regulations, they'll need to be the size of the Opera House. Hardly sleek. And the cost blowout is more eye-watering than the virus test. We'll be lucky if we can afford more than one new submarine, one new tank and one new jeep.
Tanks will have to be built the size of a typical suburban house. Again, not ideal for the purpose of military conflict. All old stock is now dysfunctional due to COVID-19 health and safety requirements. No room for social distancing.
Even the humble jeep demands significantly larger dimensions to enable it to be part of our military armoury. The 1956 Imperial sedan from America will look smaller than a Mini Cooper next to the new standard military jeep. The cost blows the budget. And my mind. And that's not even factoring in the substantial new infrastructure demands to accommodate all of this oversized equipment. Fair dinkum!
With all the money I'm having to give to Australia's unemployed and struggling businesses, I can barely afford to help protect them with brand new, state of the art, user-friendly, COVID-compliant weaponry. At least the bombs and bullets don't have to be reconfigured to meet social distancing requirements.
So, now I am sure you can see my need for a week off with the wife and kids. In fact, they're waiting for me now. I've just bought Play Station's 'Call of Duty'. No, not a jigsaw, but a war game. I hope they'll enjoy playing it with me. Jim Molan highly recommended it.